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Retail: A Psychological Musical Experiment Of Torture
Ever have a song get stuck in your head and drive you crazy? We all have certain songs that just spring into our heads unbidden---even days after hearing a particular song. It just goes on and on and on----whoops, I almost triggered one of those just now! The technical term for this is "earworm," and they are frustrating, annoying, and torturous. We'll do anything to drive them away. We'll hum other songs, try to make other noises, watch a TV show, talk to someone, anything to drive the ungodly noise from our heads. Unfortunately, much like Dean above, we're left with the futile hands over the ears and the song still on loop.

And then there's retail. Anyone who has ever worked in a retail store can tell you that the songs are the same EVERYDAY. I'm beginning to think that I am taking part in some strange psychological experiment. Almost all of the songs that play in my store are extremely repetitive. They all pick a phrase and then they proceed to beat it to death for nearly four minutes. It makes you want to beat your head against a wall. Anything to get away from the obnoxiousness. Unfortunately, they're like that cat that came back the very next day. No matter what you do, there it is to taunt you.

I'm weird. I know that. I have to KNOW who is responsible for these horrible songs that I'm subjected to day in and day out, so I go and find out!

I'm going to share a few of the most utterly repetitive (and then the just strange) that are played daily in the soundtrack of my store.

1) Daniel Powter: Bad Day

Oh man. Where do I start with this obnoxious song? It's annoying. Despite its title, it's upbeat and happy sounding and it repeats "bad day" to death to the point where you never want to hear the words "bad day" again. I have changed the lyrics because they drive me crazy and I tend to sing "So you had a bad day so you wrote a bad song" just because I can't handle it anymore. It just needs to go away and never play again. And it shows up EVERYWHERE. Commercials during football season, in shows, in movies, EVERYWHERE. In the words of Gollum "I hates it."

2) The Bird and the Bee "La La La" and "Again and Again"

Words fail me here. I can't. My only question is: WHY GOD WHY. No really. I'd like to know. So these two don't play anymore at my store, (THANK HEAVEN) but they haunt me. THEY HAUNT ME. A little part of my soul just dies hearing these two. I swear if anything, these songs were designed to test our psychological strength. There can be NO other explanation for recording two of the most annoying and most vapid and most repetitive songs EVER. And they played them AGAIN AND AGAIN AGAIN AND AGAIN.

3) Amy Grant "It Takes A Little Time"

This song is just stupid. I'm sorry. I have nothing against Amy Grant, but come on. "It takes a little time to turn the Titanic around?" WHAT. WHAT? WTF? The Titanic SANK. There is NO turning it around. EVER. And for God's sake, don't sound so damn happy while you sing this. It's just stupid. And so repetitive. By the end of this song I want to bash my head in. It's so annoying. And it needs to go away. I think it can go where the Titanic did, thanks.

4) Ingrid Michaelson "I Just Wanna Be Okay"

No. Just NO. It's a shame that she has this song. It just makes me wanna take ice picks and stab my ear drums out and weep in a corner. It just goes on and on and on and on and ANNOYS. I can't even. My old coworker used to sing "I just wanna kill that bitch" when it came on just because it just drove us crazy. I hate this song. I can't handle it. Which is a shame because she has this song which has been put to this video and I ADORE THIS SONG SO MUCH IT HURTS. (Consolation prize? This song plays at work, too.)

5) Coldplay "Viva La Vida"

This song just makes me mad. I don't like it. It plays everyday. I don't like Coldplay. I don't get them, I don't want to. I just want them to go away. Please.

6) Five For Fighting "What Kind of World Do You Want"

"What kind of world do you want? ONE WITHOUT THIS SONG." Sure, this song has a nice message and all, but after you hear it everyday you just want a world without it. Please. I'm begging you.

7) Rogue Wave "Maps"

WHY GOD WHY. This 5 minutes of Hell drove me crazy for a year. EVERYDAY. It would start and I would automatically shout NO. I couldn't help it. IF you have managed to make it through to the end of this atrocity, I commend you. You understand WHY I hate this song so much now. Imagine hearing it when you can't make it stop. I prayed for pages to break into the music. there is no reason for this song. None. Who ever allowed it to be recorded should be forced to endure it without any chance to turn it off. Honestly. I think a whole circle of Hell is waiting to be created for a song like this.

8) One Republic "Apologize"

It is TOO LATE to apologize for this obnoxious song. Too late. TOO LATE! I can't even tell you how annoying this stupid song is. It just goes on and on and drives me nuts. I hear it everyday and it just baffles me how this makes people buy stuff.

9) Maroon 5 ANYTHING BY THEM (but here's Misery)

Misery. What I feel every time I hear this song. Someone should tell Adam Levine falsetto in every song for the entire song is just overkill and obnoxious. Please.

10) Al Stewart "Time Passages" and "Year of the Cat"

Can I just boot these two back to the 70s from which they came?

11) Ben Lee "What's So Bad About Feeling Good?"

No, creeper, we really don't want to answer this question. It's wrong. On more levels than I care to contemplate. But you, sir, don't get the joy having the biggest creeper song played. Oh no. That honor goes to:

12) Brett Dennen "Make You Fall In Love With Me"

The title alone just screams CREEPER. Change "Make" to "Force." IF that doesn't give you the skeevies, I don't know what will. Oh you creeper, I will never love you. Never.

13) John Mayer ANYTHING HE HAS EVER RECORDED. EVER. But here is Say What You Need to Say

HULK SMASH. HULK SMASH! Everytime this song comes on at work, a little bit of my soul dies. Literally. I may end up with no soul before I'm done working in retail. This little song is 4 minutes of absolute Hell on Earth. I HATE IT SO DAMN MUCH. I swear, if I ever had the chance to meet Mayer I'd punch him and then say "THERE I SAID WHAT I NEEDED TO SAY." GAH. WHY.

And that is my rant on horrible music played in my store. I think they're trying to see how they can break me by playing these every day. I really wonder what the study results would like. It can't be pretty. All I can say is I'd rather shop in silence. Thanks. Cause really.

Far Away Eyes
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